you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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