i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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