talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
