Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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