Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
