Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
