there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
