do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
