Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I love you.
Bad choice
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize