I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
