I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
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