I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize