she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
