after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
