shes about as inviting as chlamydia
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize