broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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