Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you inspire me to be a worse person
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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