That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
