I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
