i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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