Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
