I faked an abortion last night.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
