doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
