if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
