I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
