Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
