So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
