So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
