I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
