It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
