beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
