why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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