life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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