remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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