dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
