??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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