I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
