I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
