his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
