rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Acid is not a monday night drug
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize