Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
im six kinds of drunk right now
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
