if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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