Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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