I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Randomize
