So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
where are my eyebrows?
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