how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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