It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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