I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
