I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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