I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Randomize
