You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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