SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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