Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
