Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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