hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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