I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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