A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
